Explanation of the Series
This 10-part series, “10 Important Conversations to Have with Your Kids,” provides parents with guidance on crucial topics to discuss with their middle schoolers. Written by family physician, Dr. Robin Dickinson, MD, each article offers background information, preparation tips, conversation dos and don’ts, and journaling prompts for both parent and child. These prompts can be used for journaling, writing assignments, or further discussion. Below is the list of topics Dr. Robin will cover.
- Nutrition & Healthy Eating
- Physical Activity & Exercise
- Sleep & Healthy Habits
- Online Safety & Digital Citizenship
- Body Image & Self-Esteem
- Puberty & Physical Changes
- Healthy Relationships
- Substance Use & Addiction
- Mental Health & Well-being
- Goal Setting & Personal Growth
Puberty. It’s a word that can evoke a range of emotions, from excitement and curiosity to anxiety and embarrassment. It’s also an unavoidable part of adolescence, a period of rapid physical change that can be both exciting and challenging for middle schoolers. This conversation isn’t just about explaining biology; it’s about normalizing the experience, validating their feelings, and empowering them to navigate these changes with confidence and self-acceptance.
The Foundation: Understanding the Changes
Puberty is a complex process driven by hormonal changes that trigger a cascade of physical developments. For both boys and girls, these changes can include growth spurts, the development of body hair, changes in body composition, and the maturation of reproductive organs. Boys may experience voice changes and facial hair growth, while girls will begin menstruation. It’s crucial to explain that these changes are normal and that everyone experiences them differently. There’s no “right” timeline for puberty, and variations are perfectly natural.
Parent Preparation: Getting Ready for the Talk
Before you sit down for a conversation with your child, it’s a good idea to brush up on the basics of puberty. Numerous resources are available online and within libraries that can provide age-appropriate information. It’s also important to address any personal anxieties or discomfort you may have about discussing these topics. Your own feelings can influence how your child perceives the conversation, so it’s essential to approach it with openness and acceptance. Practice talking to the mirror, a friend, or a family member until you’re able to talk in the same relaxed manner as you would discuss normal daily activities.
Conversation Tips: Open Communication and Curiosity
The key to a successful conversation about puberty is open communication. Create a safe space for your child to ask questions and express their feelings without judgment. Use age-appropriate language and avoid technical jargon. Instead of lecturing, engage in a dialogue. Ask open-ended questions like:
- “What have you noticed changing about your body lately?”
- “How are these changes making you feel?”
- “Do you have any questions or concerns?”
These questions encourage your child to share their thoughts and feelings, allowing you to address their specific needs and concerns. Listen attentively and validate their experiences. Let them know that it’s okay to feel a range of emotions during this time.
It can be helpful to let them know about your own experiences but use caution. Remember, this isn’t a therapy session for you to work through your own issues. The goal is to empower your child. Create a healthy story arch from problem to solution and a happy ending. For example, if a child is worried about any body fluids (sweat, periods, etc), you might tell them about worrying about the same thing and how you realized that everyone is too busy worrying about themselves to notice you. Also, share some advice you received that helped you be prepared or deal with the situation. End with reassurance that they’ll get more confident as they gain experience. This is a great “happy ending” for anything they’ll be dealing with for decades.
Normalizing the Experience
One of the most important things you can do is normalize the experience of puberty. Explain that everyone goes through these changes and that they are a natural part of growing up. Again, it can be good to share your own experiences, if you feel comfortable doing so, to help them understand that they are not alone. Avoid making comparisons to others, as this can create unnecessary pressure and anxiety.
Addressing Specific Concerns
Be prepared to answer specific questions about the physical changes associated with puberty. This might include questions about menstruation, breast development, voice changes, facial hair, and erections. It’s very important not to segregate this information by gender. It does a huge disservice to your child to not give them information about anything beyond their own experience. Answer their questions honestly and openly, providing accurate information in a sensitive and age-appropriate manner.
The Emotional Rollercoaster
We all know that puberty is not just about physical changes; it’s also a time of significant emotional development. Hormonal fluctuations can contribute to mood swings, increased sensitivity, and heightened emotions. Unfortunately, this has been the butt of jokes or annoyance rather than a time for teaching healthy emotional self-care. It’s also common for adults to blame everything on hormones when this time of life actually contains a huge number of reasons for big feelings including increasing independence, heavier responsibilities, a growing awareness of the world outside the family circle, and the pressures of working towards an unknown future.
Normal mood changes give you a wonderful opportunity to teach your child that emotions contain information and what to do with that information. Changing emotions let them know when they are tired, hungry, feeling loss or disrespect, needing some human connection, are in a situation that isn’t right for them, and so forth.
While hormones can contribute, this isn’t something magical about puberty. Whether it’s monthly cycles, pregnancy, or aging, most people experience hormonal changes. And of course there are a variety of other things that can impact a person’s emotions that aren’t hormonal. Acknowledge these emotional changes and reassure your child that they are a normal part of being a human, not just a teenager, and that it will get easier with practice.
Avoiding Pitfalls: What to Avoid
One of the biggest mistakes parents can make is making assumptions about their child’s knowledge or experience. Don’t assume they know more than they do, and don’t be afraid to start with the basics. As a physician and teacher, I can promise you that I’ve almost never met a tween who actually understood the information their parents thought they did…and even between parents and children who are comfortable having these ongoing conversations, some misinformation from friends or elsewhere had almost always snuck in.
Be prepared to answer questions honestly and openly, even if they make you feel uncomfortable. If you don’t know the answer to a question, don’t be afraid to say so. Offer to find the information together or suggest a trusted resource, such as a book or website. Make sure your child knows some specific resources for getting information on their own so they don’t end up doing an internet search–we all know what sorts of things they might accidentally find. I always recommend you have at least two or three good books about puberty and one or two websites where you encourage your child to find information when they decide to look up a question without you (because they will!). Two excellent websites are kidshealth.org (this has a wide variety of different kinds of information) and amaze.org (this has resources for both parents and kids).
Journaling Prompts: Reflecting on Change
Here are some journaling prompts for both you and your child to further explore these topics:
For your child:
- What are some of the changes you’ve noticed in your body?
- How are you feeling about these changes?
- What are some things you’re curious or concerned about?
- What are some things you can do to take care of yourself during puberty?
For you:
- What are my own memories and experiences of puberty?
- How can I create a more supportive and open environment for my child during this time?
- What are some ways I can model healthy attitudes about emotional self-care?
- How can I help my child learn emotional self-care?
By approaching the topic of puberty with openness, honesty, and empathy, you can help your middle schooler navigate this transformative period with confidence and create a relationship of trust before they enter into new challenges in high school and beyond
Check in next week when we’ll be focusing on the important topic of healthy relationships!
