Explanation of the Series
This 10-part series, “10 Important Conversations to Have with Your Kids,” provides parents with guidance on crucial topics to discuss with their middle schoolers. Written by family physician, Dr. Robin Dickinson, MD, each article offers background information, preparation tips, conversation dos and don’ts, and journaling prompts for both parent and child. These prompts can be used for journaling, writing assignments, or further discussion. Below is the list of topics Dr. Robin will cover.
- Nutrition & Healthy Eating
- Physical Activity & Exercise
- Sleep & Healthy Habits
- Online Safety & Digital Citizenship
- Body Image & Self-Esteem
- Puberty & Physical Changes
- Healthy Relationships
- Substance Use & Addiction
- Mental Health & Well-being
- Goal Setting & Personal Growth
Navigating the social landscape of middle school and high school can be tricky. Friendships are evolving, romantic interests may be emerging, and peer pressure can be intense. You are equipping your child with the tools they need to build healthy relationships of all kinds–friendships, family connections, and maybe eventually, romantic partnerships. It’s about fostering healthy boundaries, empathy, and open communication, and empowering them to recognize and avoid unhealthy or harmful situations.
The Foundation: Characteristics of Healthy Relationships
Healthy relationships, whether they are friendships, family bonds, or romantic connections, are built on a foundation of respect, trust, open communication, and empathy. Respect means valuing the other person’s opinions, feelings, and boundaries. Trust involves being honest and reliable, and believing that the other person will do the same. Open communication means being able to express your thoughts and feelings in a clear and respectful way, and actively listening to the other person. Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.
Many children who are raised to have these admirable qualities and skills themselves are unable to recognize when someone else doesn’t come into a relationship with the same expectations. Make sure that when you talk about these qualities, you are teaching your child to look for this from others, not just behave this way themselves.
Identifying Unhealthy Relationships
It’s equally important to discuss the characteristics of unhealthy relationships. These can include bullying, peer pressure, manipulation, and even dating violence. Help your child understand the warning signs of unhealthy relationships, such as:
- Criticism or put-downs
- Disregard for their opinions or preferences
- Controlling behavior
- Disrespect for boundaries
- Physical or emotional abuse
- Feeling pressured to do things they’re not comfortable with
Remember that these issues will look different in middle school and that they generally start small and grow over time so it can be easy for your child to not notice what’s happening. It can be helpful to tell stories of situations similar to what your child might experience rather than the adult forms.
The Importance of Consent and Healthy Boundaries
One of the most critical aspects of healthy relationships is consent. We started working with our kids on consent from the very beginning. For example, we never forced them to hug anyone and we taught them to always ask before hugging someone else. As a physician, I sadly know how easy it is to take advantage of a child who is taught they have to be “polite” even if a particular physical interaction is uncomfortable for them.
Explain that consent is clear, enthusiastic, and ongoing. It’s not just about saying “yes”; it’s about freely and willingly agreeing to something. Emphasize that everyone has the right to say “no” at any time, and that their “no” must be respected. Talk about the importance of setting and respecting healthy boundaries in all types of relationships.
Beyond “Stranger Danger” to Address the Real Issues
By now many parents are aware that friends and family are more likely to hurt your child than a stranger is. And as our kids enter their teen years, we’ll know less about their relationships and be less able to protect them. There are a variety of excellent resources available to help you with this. My favorite, fightchildabuse.org, has age appropriate videos for everyone from kindergarten through high school that can be a great thing to watch together and then discuss. These can be hard conversations to have and letting experts explain the topic first can make it easier. I’ve also sent them to a number of adults who never learned these important lessons when they were younger.
I’ve occasionally heard from parents that they don’t want to talk about these things until their children are “ready.” But here’s the reality–you need to talk about them before something bad happens. These will be hard truths no matter what age you address them and working up to it over time is the best way to help your kids be confident in staying safe.
Parent Preparation: Modeling Healthy Relationships
Children learn by observing the relationships around them. The best way to teach your child about healthy relationships is to model them in your own life. Show them what it looks like to treat others with respect, communicate openly and honestly, and set healthy boundaries. Demonstrate making decisions to protect yourself or others from bullying or unsafe situations. If there’s a situation where you are choosing to let an unhealthy relationship continue, talk honestly with your tweens and teens about why you’re making the choices you are and what you want for them. Otherwise, they might find themselves in the same situation, which would have been avoidable.
Many parents need support in order to deal with their own relationship challenges and to be better role models for their kids. That’s not just okay, that’s great! You’re modeling that it’s never too late to learn and the importance of therapy and other types of mental health and relationship support. There is nothing wrong with admitting to problems. You probably aren’t fooling your kids anyway…
Conversation Tips: Real-Life Examples and Role-Playing
Discuss real-life examples of healthy and unhealthy relationships. Talk about characters in books, movies, TV shows, or even stories from your own life (while respecting the privacy of others).
Doctors often tell stories to their patients to help them understand. The general method is to create composite “characters” of several patients and then change around all the personal details to maintain everyone’s privacy. I personally told stories about “my friends” or “aunt” or “uncle” who were often a composite of several patients. This is so common that my husband and kids always double check if I am actually talking about a real friend if it starts sounding like it could just be an educational story!
Role-playing different social situations can be a helpful way to practice communication and assertiveness skills. For example, you could role-play scenarios involving peer pressure or situations where it’s important to say “no.”
Encourage your child to share their experiences and feelings about their own relationships. Listen without judgment, ask open ended questions, and offer your support. As a parent, I know how hard it is to keep a poker face when you want to rush in and protect your child! But you’ll find this an increasingly useful skill as your kids get older. Let them know that it’s okay to come to you with any questions or concerns they may have.
Building Confidence and Assertiveness Skills
Focus on building your child’s confidence and assertiveness skills. Help them learn how to express their needs and boundaries in a respectful way. Encourage them to stand up for themselves and others, and to seek help if they are in an unhealthy or unsafe situation or are worried about a friend.
Since my kids were old enough to have other trusted adults in their lives, I’ve made sure they know that they can go to those adults also. When they were younger we talked about times when they might go to a teacher, coach, or other person for help or worries…and we still do now. I also model going to people when I’m worried about someone, have questions about a situation, or have any personal concerns, whether it’s a coach, school nurse, pastor, or therapist.
Navigating Peer Pressure
Peer pressure is a common challenge for middle and high schoolers. Talk to your child about the different types of peer pressure and how to resist it. Help them develop strategies for saying “no” to things they’re not comfortable with. Emphasize that true friends will respect their decisions.
It can also be really helpful to establish a code word or agreement for helping your child get out of situations. Both my kids know that if they call me and say something like, “Hi Mom! Really? Do I have to? Okay, when are you going to pick me up?” it is my cue to get them. They also know that I will always rescue any of their friends or acquaintances who don’t have a similar arrangement but need one.
Avoiding Pitfalls: What to Avoid
One of the biggest mistakes parents can make is scaring their child or making them feel overly anxious about relationships. The goal is not to instill fear but to empower them with knowledge and skills. Avoid focusing solely on the negative aspects of relationships. Instead, emphasize the positive aspects and the joy of healthy connections.
The other big mistake is assuming your child doesn’t need certain information. You don’t want to find out the hard way that they do. We can’t protect our children from finding out that the world can be a harsh place, but we can arm them with the knowledge and confidence to navigate safely.
Journaling Prompts: Reflecting on Relationships
Here are some journaling prompts for both you and your child to further explore these topics:
For your child:
- What are some qualities you look for in a friend?
- What does a healthy relationship look like to you?
- How do you handle peer pressure?
- What are some things you can do to build stronger relationships?
For you:
- What are my own experiences with healthy and unhealthy relationships?
- How can I create a more supportive environment for my child to develop healthy relationships?
- What are some ways I can model healthy relationship behaviors?
- How can I help my child navigate the social challenges of middle school?
By having open and ongoing conversations about healthy relationships, you can equip your teens and tweens with the tools they need to build strong, positive connections with others.
Check in next week when we’ll be focusing on the important topic of substance use and addictions!
