Explanation of the Series 

This 10-part series, “10 Important Conversations to Have with Your Kids,” provides parents with guidance on crucial topics to discuss with their middle schoolers. Written by family physician, Dr. Robin Dickinson, MD, each article offers background information, preparation tips, conversation dos and don’ts, and journaling prompts for both parent and child. These prompts can be used for journaling, writing assignments, or further discussion. Below is the list of topics Dr. Robin will cover.

1. Nutrition & Healthy Eating
2. Physical Activity & Exercise
3. Sleep & Healthy Habits
4. Online Safety & Digital Citizenship
5. Body Image & Self-Esteem
6. Puberty & Physical Changes
7. Healthy Relationships
8. Substance Use & Addiction
9. Mental Health & Well-being
10. Goal Setting & Personal Growth

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Middle school is a time of exploration and increasing independence, but it can also be a time when young people are starting to be exposed to substances like alcohol, drugs, and tobacco. It’s important to address this BEFORE it’s an issue rather than waiting until our kids are actually around people who are using substances.  

We now know that teaching kids to “just say no” doesn’t actually work. Instead, we have to provide our children with the information and skills they need to make informed choices and resist peer pressure. It’s also important to foster open communication and create a safe space for them to ask questions and talk about their experiences without judgement.

The Foundation: Understanding the Risks

It’s crucial to discuss the dangers of alcohol, drugs, and tobacco with your middle schooler. Explain the short-term and long-term health risks associated with substance use, including the impact on the developing brain. The adolescent brain is still under development, making it particularly vulnerable to the effects of substances. Explain how these substances can impair judgment, affect memory and learning, and increase the risk of addiction.

The Impact on the Developing Brain

Think about what matters to your child. For many at this age, independence, being in charge of themselves, and having a good future (whatever that means to them!) are all important. Learning how alcohol and drugs can prevent them from being in charge of themselves or have a good future will have a bigger impact than just talking about the brain.

At the same time, just vaguely telling kids that “alcohol will ruin your life” doesn’t carry much weight when they see plenty of people who appear to have a reasonably good life drinking alcohol. So, discuss the specific impact of substance use on the developing brain and how it can prevent them from having the life they want. When you talk about everything from decision-making and impulse control to memory and learning, focus on what’s important to your child. Often, kids will think that when we talk about decision making, we mean that they will make decisions that we don’t like. Instead, explain that it will cause them to make decisions that THEY won’t like. Emphasize that they can want to do certain things or have a certain life but then ruin it for themselves. 

When discussing the increased risk of addiction for those who start using substances at a young age it can be especially helpful to focus on control. Do they want to be in control of themselves or have the substance be in control of them? We all tend to think that we’re somehow not susceptible to things that impact other people–that includes adults!–so it can be hard for our kids to accept that they are not magically stronger than the others. Explaining the science of developing brains becoming addicted more easily can take away the question of their own personal strength and ability to resist and replace it with a more realistic understanding.

Resisting Peer Pressure and Making Healthy Choices

Beyond information, your child needs to be equipped with the skills they need to resist peer pressure and make healthy choices. Parents often wonder, if “just say no” doesn’t work then what does? There are three main areas to focus on to really protect your kids from alcohol and drugs: refusal skills, confidence, and creating a supportive environment.

Refusal Skills

Talk about different strategies for saying “no,” such as making excuses, changing the subject, or simply walking away. Role-playing these scenarios can be a helpful way for your child to practice these skills and build their confidence. 

A lot of parents don’t consider situations where it’s not easy to get away. What if your child goes to a friend’s house but then substances are brought out? They can’t just walk away. How will they leave? My kids know that I will always drop everything to rescue them (and their friends) from any situation involving drugs and alcohol if that’s needed.  That said, with rideshare now available, making sure your teen knows how to use rideshare is another way of helping them be able to get out of situations. Where I live, kids can start using Uber at 13 so both my kids are adept at getting rides, and I’m pretty confident that if they ever needed to leave a situation, they could make an excuse about needing to get home and then get a ride.

Confidence

Confident people stand up for themselves and what they believe in. Fostering that confidence takes years, but if you haven’t started yet it’s not too late! Activities where your child is successful (whether that’s sports or math team or choir) and being provided with opportunities for freedom and responsibility within safe limits will both help improve your child’s confidence. A teen who is confident is much less likely to get swayed by peer pressure and much more likely to figure a way out of a bad situation.

Unfortunately, behaviors that make for easy kids aren’t the best as they get older.  Assertiveness is generally frowned on in a ten year old but the child, tween, or teen who is able to set clear boundaries and negotiate with you will have a better chance of getting through a lot of life’s situations safely. My kids were both strong willed (and so was I!) and I absolutely loved their spark and drive! While it was really hard for raising a three year old, these same qualities have made for delightful teenagers.

Creating a Supportive Environment 

It is important to surround your child with people who see the best in them and help them be their best selves. A growth mindset is the understanding that we can change and grow over time. Surrounding your child with people who help develop and support a growth mindset helps them see their own potential. Numerous studies have shown that the best preventative or treatment for substance use is a full life. Strong social bonds, meaningful hobbies and activities, and open communication keep a child connected with too many great things to make room for substances.

Parent Preparation: Being Informed and Prepared

Before talking to your child, take some time to learn about the risks associated with substance use that would be most meaningful for your child. Having accurate information will help you answer their questions and address their concerns effectively. 

Think ahead about how you’re willing to support your child or how you equip them to take care of themselves. Learning about different situations that parents have found themselves in and how they handled it can be extremely helpful. This will both help you think about your own strategies and let your kids know how you think people should be treated if they do use substances. I prefer not to say, “If you use drugs, here’s what will happen.” Instead, I’ll tell stories about other people and give my opinion of the situation including what the parents did right or wrong, not to judge but to give my kids information about what they could expect from me and what sort of resources are available for help and support.

Conversation Tips: Open Communication and Honesty

Use age-appropriate language and avoid scare tactics. The goal is to educate, not to frighten. Incorporate natural opportunities as they come up and be ready to answer any questions your kids might ask. Like so many other conversations, this should be a conversation that happens over time, not just once. It takes time to create a complete picture for your child.

Be honest and open about your own experiences with substances, if you feel comfortable doing so. Sometimes parents are afraid to admit they ever struggled, thinking it will cause their child to do the same, but knowing this can actually help keep your child away. You talk from experience when you talk about the problems it causes, why you quit, and why it was hard to quit. This can help build trust and create a safe space for your child to talk to you about anything.

Role-Playing Scenarios

Role-playing scenarios involving peer pressure can be incredibly helpful. This allows your child to practice different responses and build their confidence in saying “no.” You can role-play situations involving parties, social gatherings, or encounters with friends who are using substances.

Addressing Curiosity and Misconceptions

Be prepared to address your child’s curiosity and any misconceptions they may have about substances. They may have questions about the effects of different drugs or the perceived “coolness” of using substances. Answer their questions honestly and provide accurate information.

Avoiding Pitfalls: What to Avoid

Don’t assume your child will never experiment with substances. It’s important to have ongoing conversations about substance use, even if you think your child is not at risk. I often like to ask about what kids’ friends are doing. In my many years as a practicing physician, I learned that asking about friends was a great way to find out the norms in a teen’s social circle and easier for teens to talk about what was happening when it was someone other than themselves. Be a good role model by making healthy choices yourself. Children are more likely to adopt healthy habits if they see their parents doing the same.

Make sure you don’t judge or belittle people who struggle with addiction–that’s a great way of making sure your child does not come to you if they have a problem. Create an open and trusting relationship where your child feels comfortable talking to you about anything. Let them know that they can come to you with any questions or concerns they may have, without fear of judgment.

Journaling Prompts: Reflecting on Choices

Here are some journaling prompts for both you and your child to further explore these topics:

For your child:

• What are some things you know about alcohol, drugs, and tobacco?
• What are some reasons why people might choose to use substances?
• What are some things you might do to get away from a situation that made you uncomfortable?
• Who are some trusted adults you can talk to about substance use?

For you:

• What are my own beliefs and attitudes about substance use?
• How do I talk about substances and addiction around my child? Does my talk help them with making good choices and coming to me with any problems?
• What are some ways I can model healthy behaviors related to substance use? [note: Even if you’ve never used substances yourself, you can model healthy behaviors that prevent substance use such as close relationships, hobbies, etc.]
• How can I help my child develop the skills they need to resist peer pressure or handle any situations they might find themselves in?

By having open and honest conversations about substance use, you can empower your middle schooler to make informed choices and protect their health and well-being. Remember, it’s not a matter of “just say no.” It’s about providing them with the knowledge, skills, and support they need.

Check in next week when we’ll be focusing on the important topic of mental health and well-being!