Why do some teens pull away from their parents while others don’t? And how much of it comes down to respect?
I’ve been listening to a lot of parenting podcasts lately.
This is not normally a genre I spend much time listening to, but I’ve been on several parenting podcasts recently, and I think it’s rude to reach out to somebody without knowing anything about them. So I listen first. I want to know who I’m talking to, what they believe, what kind of advice they’re giving, and whether I actually want my name associated with theirs.
And while I’ve been listening, I keep hearing things that make me stop and think:
Really?
We’re telling parents this because this is something parents are actually doing?
Apparently, yes.
One topic that keeps coming up is teenagers: teenagers fighting with their parents, teenagers refusing to listen, teenagers being rude, teenagers rebelling.
So I started wondering about something.
Why do so many adolescents seem to hate their parents?
“Hate” is a strong word. I know that.
It came from my 14-year-old.
My kids are 14 and 17, and at one point I asked them why they’re so easy to live with. Why aren’t we constantly fighting? Why aren’t they arguing with me about everything? Why aren’t they doing all the stereotypical teenager things I keep hearing about?
My 14-year-old said, basically, “Well, Mom, you don’t give us any reason to hate you.”
Okay.
Again: strong word.
So I asked what that meant.
And they gave me an example.
Imagine you’re sitting on the sofa looking at your phone. Someone comes over and says, “Get off your phone.”
You say, “Okay, I’ll finish this and put it down in a second.”
And they respond, “No. I said get off your phone.”
My reaction was immediate.
That’s rude.
And my kids were basically like, “Yes. That’s what we’re saying.”
Apparently, this is something a lot of parents do.
And I think that gives us a useful place to start.
Teenagers Are Still People
This sounds embarrassingly obvious, but sometimes the most useful parenting advice starts with something embarrassingly obvious:
Teenagers are human beings.
Not unfinished humans.
Not employees.
Not pets.
Not people whose preferences only count when they happen to match ours.
They are people.
Yes, they have less experience. Yes, their brains are still developing. Yes, sometimes they make terrible decisions.
So do adults.
The question I keep coming back to is this:
Would I treat another person this way?
Would I talk to a friend this way?
Would I talk to my spouse this way?
Would I expect another adult to immediately stop whatever they were doing because I decided I wanted their attention?
If the answer is no, why does the rule suddenly change when the person is 15?
That little test—flipping the situation around—is something I learned to use years ago.
Flip It Around
When my kids were babies, my husband was a stay-at-home dad and I was working.
I realized I was still getting up with the babies at night because I didn’t want him to be tired the next day while caring for them.
At the same time, I knew stay-at-home moms whose husbands worked outside the home, and those moms were also getting up with the babies because they didn’t want their husbands tired for work.
And I thought:
Wait a second.
Somehow the answer is always the mom.
If the mother works, she gets up because the father needs sleep to care for the children.
If the father works, she gets up because the father needs sleep for work.
Interesting how that works.
So I started flipping situations around.
Would this make sense if our roles were reversed?
Would we think this was fair if the man were doing it instead of the woman?
Would we accept this behavior from someone else?
Once I explained this to my husband, we just divided the night. I handled the first part. He handled the second. We both got some sleep.
It took some training.
And by training, I mean there were nights when I literally had to put my feet against his back and push him out of bed because he could somehow sleep through a crying baby approximately three feet away.
He eventually learned.
The point is that once we started questioning the default assumptions, we noticed them everywhere.
And I think parents can use exactly the same process with teenagers.
Would You Say This to a Friend?
Imagine a friend is sitting on your sofa looking at her phone.
You want to talk to her.
Do you walk over and say:
“Put down your phone.”
Probably not.
You might say, “Hey, do you have a minute?”
And maybe she says, “Yeah, just let me finish this video.”
What happens next?
Most reasonable people say, “Okay.”
You wait two minutes.
You look at your own phone. You pick up your knitting. You get some water. You do literally anything else.
Then you ask again.
Nobody has to fight.
Nobody has to establish dominance.
Nobody has to prove who is in charge.
But somehow, when the person holding the phone is our child, some parents turn a normal social interaction into a power struggle.
“Put down your phone.”
“I’m almost done.”
“No. Now.”
Why?
What did we gain?
And more importantly, what are we teaching?
Respect Does Not Mean Having No Boundaries
This is usually where someone says, “Well, what about boundaries?”
Of course you have boundaries.
I have boundaries with my friends, too.
If a friend came over every single time and stared at her phone while I tried to talk to her, eventually I would say something.
If I invited someone to dinner and they ignored everyone the entire meal, that would become a problem.
Respecting someone does not mean you never expect anything from them.
It means you don’t become unnecessarily controlling just because you can.
There’s a difference.
My teenagers are on their phones.
I’m also on my phone.
Everybody is on their phone.
That is normal life now.
If I want to talk to one of my kids, I usually ask, “Do you have a minute?”
Sometimes they say yes immediately.
Sometimes they say, “Let me finish this.”
Okay.
They finish it.
Then we talk.
Because I’ve given them some agency, they don’t need to tune me out or defend themselves against me.
And that matters.
Give Kids Choices Before You Have to
The reality is that the period when you can physically make your child do things is very short.
When they’re tiny, you can pick them up and move them.
Then they grow.
Pretty quickly, physical control disappears.
You can still use threats.
You can use punishment.
You can use bribery.
But those things also stop working eventually.
So why build your entire parenting strategy around control that has an expiration date?
Why not start teaching decision-making instead?
That doesn’t mean a five-year-old gets unlimited choices.
You give choices that are actually acceptable.
You can wear the red shirt or the blue shirt.
You can do homework before dinner or after dinner.
You can clean this now or after you finish what you’re doing.
Then, as they get older, the choices get bigger.
And they get practice.
That practice matters because eventually they will be making decisions without you.
I don’t agree with every decision my teenagers make.
I don’t expect to.
In a few years, I will have very little control over those decisions anyway.
So right now is actually the safest time for them to make some mistakes.
I’m still here.
I’m the safety net.
Advice Is Different From Control
My kids come to me fairly often and say something like:
“Can I talk this through with you?”
And I don’t immediately tell them what to do.
I ask questions.
Tell me more.
What are you worried about?
What are your options?
What happens if you choose that?
Sometimes I’ll add one small piece of information.
“Think about what this might look like a year from now.”
Or:
“Is there something here you haven’t considered?”
Then I stop.
I’ve given them information.
They still make the decision.
That is a skill they are going to need for the rest of their lives.
And yes, sometimes they will make the wrong decision.
So will I.
So will you.
Adults make bad decisions constantly. We just have more elaborate explanations for ours.
Teenagers generally have less experience, so they need room to practice making choices while the consequences are still relatively contained.
Patience gives them that space.
What Exactly Are They Supposed to Rebel Against?
I asked my kids another question.
Why don’t you rebel?
You’re teenagers. Isn’t that supposed to be your whole thing?
One of them basically told me I had ruined rebellion.
Because what would they rebel against?
If what I want for them is to build a life they like, pursue the things they care about, learn how to make good decisions, and become decent people, then what is the rebellious move?
Give up everything they love just to annoy me?
That would be a terrible rebellion.
And I thought that was a pretty good answer.
Maybe we sometimes create rebellion by creating something that needs to be rebelled against.
If every request turns into an order, every disagreement turns into a battle, and every decision becomes an opportunity for a parent to prove authority, teenagers will eventually push back.
Of course they will.
Most adults would, too.
So maybe the goal isn’t figuring out how to make teenagers obey.
Maybe the better question is:
How do we build a relationship in which obedience isn’t the thing holding everything together?
Treat them like people.
Give them appropriate choices.
Let them practice.
Offer guidance without taking over.
Keep real boundaries where they actually matter.
And whenever you’re not sure, flip the situation around.
Would I speak to someone I respect this way?
Would I tolerate someone speaking to me this way?
If not, it may be worth asking why it suddenly feels acceptable just because the other person is your kid.
Maybe we can ruin rebellion for them.
That seems like a pretty good parenting goal to me.
Educational information only; not medical advice. If you have concerns about your health or your child’s health, please talk with a qualified clinician. If symptoms are severe or urgent, seek urgent/emergency care.
