Tips for Meaningful Conversations with Middle Schoolers

Explanation of the Series 

This 10-part series, “10 Important Conversations to Have with Your Kids,” provides parents with guidance on crucial topics to discuss with their middle schoolers. Written by family physician, Dr. Robin Dickinson, MD, each article offers background information, preparation tips, conversation dos and don’ts, and journaling prompts for both parent and child. These prompts can be used for journaling, writing assignments, or further discussion. Below is the list of topics Dr. Robin will cover.

1. Nutrition & Healthy Eating
2. Physical Activity & Exercise
3. Sleep & Healthy Habits
4. Online Safety & Digital Citizenship
5. Body Image & Self-Esteem
6. Puberty & Physical Changes
7. Healthy Relationships
8. Substance Use & Addiction
9. Mental Health & Well-being
10. Goal Setting & Personal Growth

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Middle schoolers are navigating a complex world, and effective communication requires a thoughtful approach. Here are some general tips to help you connect and engage:

1. Create a Calm and Comfortable Environment:

• Choose the Right Time and Place: Avoid initiating deep conversations when your child is stressed, tired, or distracted. Consider having talks in the car (when everyone is facing forward and not directly making eye contact), during a walk, or before bedtime when things tend to be calmer.
• Minimize Distractions: Put away phones, turn off the TV, and find a quiet space where you can focus on each other.

2. Listen More Than You Talk:

• Practice Active Listening: Pay attention to both verbal and nonverbal cues. Show genuine interest in what your child is saying.
• Avoid Interrupting: Let them finish their thoughts before responding. Resist the urge to jump in with advice or solutions immediately.
• Validate Their Feelings: Acknowledge their emotions, even if you don’t fully understand them. Saying things like, “That sounds really tough,” can go a long way.

3. Use Calming Strategies:

• Manage Your Own Reactions: Middle schoolers often share information that can trigger strong emotions in parents. Before reacting, take a deep breath, count to ten, or use other calming techniques.
• Speak Calmly and Respectfully: Avoid raising your voice or using judgmental language.
• Focus on Understanding: Try to see things from your child’s perspective, even if you disagree.

4. Make it a Dialogue, Not a Lecture:

• Ask Open-Ended Questions: Encourage your child to share their thoughts and feelings. Avoid questions that can be answered with a simple “yes” or “no.”
• Share Your Own Experiences: When appropriate, share stories from your own adolescence. This can help normalize their experiences and create a sense of connection.
• Be Honest and Authentic: Middle schoolers can spot insincerity a mile away.

5. Be Patient and Persistent:

• Don’t Expect Perfection: Conversations may not always go smoothly. Be patient and persistent, and keep trying.
• Follow Up: After a conversation, check in with your child to see how they’re doing.
• Make it an Ongoing Process: Communication is a continuous process. Make time for regular conversations with your middle schooler.

6. Use Opportunities That Present Themselves.

• Take advantage of natural teaching moments. If a situation arises on a TV show, or with a friend, use that as a launching point to discuss your values and opinions.

Not every conversation will go well but that’s okay! You’re developing a deepened relationship with your child and that takes time and effort. Your hard work will result in a strong and lasting relationship based on trust, respect, and open communication.

Useful listening phrases

Showing Empathy and Understanding:

• “That sounds really tough.”
• “I can see that’s upsetting you.”
• “You are dealing with so much.”
• “I’m impressed with how you handled that.”
• “That must have been frustrating.”
• “It makes sense to me that you feel that way.”
• “That’s a lot to deal with.”
• “It sounds like you’re having a hard time.”
• “I’m sorry you went through that.”
• “That sounds exhausting.”
• “That must have been confusing.”

Encouraging More Information:

• “Really? And then what happened?”
• “Tell me more about that.”
• “What did you do next?”
• “What else happened?”
• “Can you explain that a little more?”
• “And then?”

Showing Active Listening:

• “Mmmm-hmmm”
• “Wow.”
• “Gosh.”
• “Wow, that’s a lot.”
• “I hear you.”
• “Okay, I’m listening.”
• “That’s interesting.”
• “I get it.”
• “Right, I’m following you.”

Validating Feelings:

• “I get why you feel that way.”
• “Your feelings about that are totally reasonable.”
• “That’s a perfectly normal reaction.”
• “You have every right to feel that way.”

Offering Support:

• “Is there anything I can do to help?”
• “Do you want to talk about it more?”
• “I’m here for you.”
• “We can figure this out together.”

Tips for using these phrases:

•  Practice: These phrases might feel unnatural at first. Practicing them in different contexts can help.
• Non-Verbal Cues: Combine these phrases with appropriate non-verbal cues like nodding, maintaining eye contact (if comfortable), and leaning in slightly.
• Be Genuine: Even if the phrases are practiced, remember that they still count because you love your child. It’s like picking out the right card for a loved one. You mean what it says. Always try to deliver them with genuine empathy.
• Focus on Understanding: The goal is to show you’re listening and trying to understand, even if you don’t fully relate.
• Clarify: If you’re unsure about something, don’t hesitate to ask for clarification. “Could you explain that part again?” can be very helpful.
• Remember your own needs: Listening can be hard and draining. Take breaks as needed.

Check in next week when we’ll be starting with the important topic of building a healthy relationship with food!